First off, let me say that I officially admit to having a Black Thumb. In my care a cactus has a 0% chance of survival. As for a lawn, well, this is the second house I’ve owned and in the 14 years of ownership, I’ve had probably had what anyone might consider, 3, maybe 4 good lawn days. I originally blamed my first house’s lawn problems on the shady hilly property and years of neglect by the previous owners. But despite all my efforts to feed and weed, trim, whack and mow, my lawn always looked like the “before” picture in those gardening videos.

Now here in my second castle, I’ve got a smaller patch to take care of, so no prob, right? Enh! wrong! The previous owners had an above-ground pool filling the entire back yard, and whatever soil that was left after they removed it was so barren of nutrients and so full of rocks that Neil Armstrong could be right at home surveying my Mare Morte. The 2 or 3 times I’ve attempted to sow some grass seeds on this excuse for dirt have been like trying hair on…well, my head. (As an aside, as for my own pate, let’s just say I worry less about my coif and more about sunburn).

Anyway, the noise my mower makes when bumpity-bumping over the moonscape of my backyard is your usual motorized hum intermittently jolted by the blades hitting some sort of boulder or shooting some stone at nearby trees. I’ve almost killed my dog twice, and he was at least 20 yards away both times he got pegged. As for my kids, luckily they know enough to stay inside when they hear the mower start up.

Recently I was given a riding mower (used) by a generous friend. My lot is way too small for such a device, but what good red-blooded Amurikin man could turn down a rider? of course my 12-year old son was anxious to finally have something he could ride, and the acquisition of this 12hp Craftsman was truly fortuitous for him, as he was just getting big enough to start pushing the old mower walk-behind around.

Anyway, last weekend, I got out to mow the dirt (this being Spring and all). So I’m doing my usual Zamboni loop and I make my usual pass through the swing set. Now normally, I swat the chain/strap swings out of the way as I go under the set, but this time, the swing swung back catching onto the front edge of the mowers hood. I was moving at a pretty good clip (pun intended) so as the machine progressed, the swing sort of “grabbed” the nose of the mower and lifted it into the air. It felt like I was doing a good 2-foot wheelie, and I was about to bail out over the side when the swing broke free of the nose of the mower, which slammed back to earth, and the
swing now came a-swinging right at my schnozzola, knocked my glasses off, and left me with a nice (but small) cut on the bridge of my nose.

The most damaged thing of all this was my dignity, as my 8-year old daughter who worships her daddy as a god, came out to ask if I was okay.

I’m hoping at this point, that I can finally afford to hire a lawn service and landscaper, and that I can convince my wife (or have a qualified expert convince her) that my yard needs a total
overhaul. A full scarifying, 10 yards of manure and top soil, an in-ground sprinkler system, and a full seeding, followed by weekly doses of grass steroids from Dr. No-weed and Mr. Mow.

It’s either that or green concrete.