BlitzBlog

“Hey, you can’t come on the course with a cooler. Sorry.” the ranger said to me as I loaded the soft-six cooler onto my cart.  It was filled with Arizona ice teas, so it wasn’t like I was trying to hammered out on the course. And it was 90 degrees. So what’s the harm?

I don’t know what made me say it- perhaps it was the Honeymooner’s episode I saw the previous night, but I quickly blurted out, “Oh, I have Monohematomia. I have to have liquids with me at all times. It’s only ice teas.” The guy seemed a bit taken aback, and said, “Ummm-uh, okaaay. No problem then.”

“Monohematomia? What the hell is that?” you might ask.

The answer, of course, is that it is an entirely fictional disease with no symptoms or meaning whatsoever.

But the ease in which this ploy worked, and the fact that the disease is fictional, gave me a guilt-free mind to ponder the possibility of making up some fake Monohematomia Society card to keep in my wallet. “Warning! The bearer of this card carries the gene for Monohematomia. Please take all applicable precautions.”  I could use it for the golf course anytime, and unless I ran into a Honeymooner’s trivia expert/golf course starter-ranger, I’d be golden. Genius!

Then I thought some more. I pictured myself lying semi-conscious alongside the highway, the wreckage smoldering nearby. The EMTs have looked in my wallet and found my Monohematomia Society card  and are now all standing around trying to contact a medical expert on this unheard-of condition, so that they don’t do the wrong thing, as I lie there bleeding out on the shoulder of the interstate.

Hmmm, but what if I just keep it in my golf bag……….

I am disappointed at what has now become known as the steroid era. I believe that there is a certain tipping point that gets passed, and that is here “looking for advantage” becomes cheating.

There are those who say it’s not cheating if it’s not in the rule book. There are those who keep saying there was no rule against steroids in baseball’s rule book until 2003, but this is patently false. There were rules about illegal drugs and performance enhancing drugs. Though these weren’t mentioned by name, the fact is, possession of steroids was illegal (US Law) without a prescription, and thus were against baseball rules.

But this isn’t about the Rules. Any 10 year old knows the Rules. There are certain things you don’t do. You don’t hit girls. You don’t stiff-arm your friends in the face. You stop the game when your friend needs to tie his sneaker. And you don’t take drugs, especially to make you better than you really are. If you want to get better, you practice, eat your veggies and get enough rest. Maybe work out and have a coach teach you. But you work with what God gave you and whatever knowledge you can learn.

Steroids were cheating when the East German women swimmers showed up at the Olympics looking like Russian weightlifters in 1968, and it’s cheating now.

But what I find more outrageous about steroids is the question of why, especially in this economic climate, are our tax dollars being spent on investigating or prosecuting ball players? Is this something that is really under the purvey of the US Congress? Aren’t they supposed to be making laws and stuff like that? Why are we spending millions of dollars on listening to ballplayers and trainers testify in front of Congress?

If we’re worried about the artificial enhancement of our ball players, because it sets a bad example for our young boys, why don’t we start worrying about our daughters too? Why aren’t we hauling all these breast implanted actresses before Congress, so we can rail against their artificial enhancement and setting of ridiculous standards of beauty, which causes our teenager girls so much angst and suffering?

Yes, I know it would start looking like a GoDaddy.com commercial, but who’d you rather see testify? Sammy Sosa and Mark Maguire, or Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson?