BlitzBlog

Editor's Note: After a recent conversation with a reader, and after
being told I “have no shame,” by SWMBO, I am posting this advisory
ahead of the following Blitzblog entry. If you don't want to read about
my intimate and disgusting bodily functions, skip this post. Otherwise,
bon apetit!

“Hmmm,” I thought, “That's a strange feeling.”

I was driving to work and I was getting a twinge-like pain in my, well… in my
taint.*  It went on being painful and it started to spread into my
nether regions. I figured I'd have to hit the bathroom running as soon
as I got to the office. While I didn't quite run, I did at least
ske-daddle and got to the bathroom and… nothing.

I was both constipated and unable to pee. Constipation wasn't a
concern- hell, after the artery-clogging bonanza that filled my trip to
Mississippi in August, I don't think I sat down on the pot until after
Labor Day.  But not being able to pee? Never happened to me before.

I spent the next hour and a half walking between my office and the
men's room, going yet not-going. Peeing a couple of dribbles, but never got that ahhh-stream a-shootin'. Sat down
and launched a few lunkers, but nothing was making the peepeepain subside. I
decided I'd better call my doctor.

I left work and had to stop 3 times (to not
pee) on the hour drive to the doc's
office. Since I had no appointment, I had to go to the doc practice's
Urgent Care, which is almost as nice as a trip to the DMV, except with
your balls feeling like they're gonna explode (and not in a good way).
And instead of a bunch of other disgruntled taxpayers, you get to hang
with a bunch of red-nosed, coughing, infection-infested victims
of the modern medical machine.

After standing around, pacing and wincing for an hour (and 5 fruitless
trips to the bathroom), I was finally called inside, where
they took my information and blood pressure, which was higher than
usual- the nurse
said that wasn't unusual when one is in pain. Then they asked for a
urine sample. I replied, “I'll try.”  I went into the room that
was becoming a second home for me and  squeezed out some maize
moisture that barely lined the bottom of the cup, but that was as much
as I was gonna go.

After another 20 minutes out in the infection swapping area, I got into one of the exam rooms to see the
doc. At this point I was in such pain that I was almost looking forward
to being catheterized. (This, for you medically-uneducated, is where
they shove a hollow plastic tube into yer hollow meat tube- YIKES!- so you can pee without restriction).

So when the doc came in, SHE asked me what the
problem was. Um, well, let's take a pass on the whole tube-in-the-tube
thing for moment. As much as I enjoy a highly-compensated woman having a grope at my Unit,
I was thinking I'd rather have someone whose gender might give them
more empathy with the situation.

So I told the lady doc my problem and she agreed that it was probably a
kidney or urinary tract infection. She told me to wait, and that she'd
have my sample analyzed and let me know. She told me to wait in the
waiting room, and in about 15 minutes, she let me know the lab results.
In the mean time, it'd been about 30 minutes since I'd dribbled, so I
stopped in the bathroom to relieve myself (a bit).

No sooner than had I sat down in the waiting area, a nurse came out to
tell me they needed more
urine-  that my previous donation was not
quite enough. I asked her where she was 5 minutes ago, when I had
something more to give. I told her she'd have to wait a while, so she
handed me
the cup, and 20 minutes later, I milked another 1/4-inch of lemonade
and handed her the cup. Another 15
minutes went by, and the doctor came out to confirm our suspicions, and
she gave me a script for Cipro, and sent me on my way.

Fortunately, by now the Exploding Scrotum Syndrome was subsiding. I
guess the 20 trips to the urinal had finally emptied my bladder. Now it
was just a occasional twinge of burning betwixt my nutsac and my
pooper. 

I headed for the pharmacy to pick up my antibiotic. The pharmacist began
to tell me about the ins-and-outs of Cipro; lots of fluids, no dairy, 1
pill, twice a day. Let me digress here and say I love Blooming Grove
Pharmacy in Blooming Grove, New York. It's one of those rare, still
privately owned non-chain related drug stores where the pharmacist
actually owns the store. Marty and his partners actually know me and my
family by sight, and actually call doctors for refills when a scrip has
run out, or will give you a few days worth of a pills if they can't get
in touch with the doctor by the time you come in to pick up the scrip.
You know, people-based, good service).

So anyways, I head home, and I call my the missus to give her an
update. She stops to pick me up some cranberry juice and I spend the
evening recuperating and gradually getting back my ability to urinate.

I'd figured on going back to work the next day, but while I did feel
better in the morning, I was still in pain when I drove my daughter to
school, and I thought it best to hang out (so to speak) and stay close
to a toilet.

Now, it's almost 10 in the evening and while lil' Matt and the 
Boys still aren't' in any mood for a party, I think they'll let me
resume a normal life pretty soon.
__________________________________________________

* The area between the anus and the scrotum,  hence the term “taint.” 'Tian't yer balls and 'tain't yer ass.

**What is the next line of this famous blues song?

I can't take credit for the following item that was sent to me, but I thought it was worth publishing….

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be “different” or “immoral.” Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love — it's a wonderful gift.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (”Blessed are the poor,” “Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies,” “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God,” and “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism — starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world.

Home from the fancy party
Behind my house
I stand in the woods
In the dark
In my tux
Walking the dog
A bit too much to drink
I join the pup to pee
I hope I don't drip
On my shiny Bally's.

Saw an article today about a local lumber yard owner who is a disappointed Republican. After attending a local losing candidate's consolation party (US Representative Sue Kelly) on Election Night, he stopped at the lumberyard he owns and put up a sign to express his disappointment. The sign reads, “Congrats Al-Qeada and KJ.”
He blamed the Republican loss on Kiryas Joel (KJ) the local Hasidic community, who basically vote as a bloc, and had given their votes to the Democratic candidate, John Hall. While this part of his resentment is pretty much true (and very often is at election time in these parts), the second part of his sign demonstrated the ignorance that has aided the Republican avalanche that drove this country to war over the past 3 years.
Republican friends, please, I beg you to get this fact planted inside your puny heads: The World, and the United States, are now, at this very moment, LESS SAFE because of the policies of George W. Bush. Al-Qaeda is STRONGER because of George W. Bush. Terrorism is MORE of a problem because of George W. Bush.
Please do not quote me the statement, “Well, if we're less safe, how come we haven't been attacked since 911?” We're being attacked every 10 minutes. Where it's easy for them to do so. It's called Iraq.
While our Presdent stirs the pot and public attention to the Mexican border, worrying about illegal migrant workers, that porous border is allowing Al-Qeada operatives to walk across among the Mexicans, possibly carrying the makings of a dirty bomb.
While 150,000 of our troops are patrolling the streets of Bagdhad, they could be securing our borders from terrorists.
While 150,000 of our troops are patrolling the streets of Bagdhad, they could be out hunting Osama Bin Laden, whom I doubt has bought a condo in Iraq in the last 3 years.
While 150,000 of our troops are patrolling the streets of Bagdhad, the government we fought to install and have elected in Afghanistan is crumbling because of our lack of support.
While 150,000 of our troops are patrolling the streets of Bagdhad, Iraq has fallen into a civil war which by our ignorance or hubris, we created, and which we have no chance of quelling without creating even more enemies.
The man who put up this sign subsequently stated that he believes that the Democrats will “appease” Al-Qeada. What he means by this, I cannot even fathom. Even the most ardent Liberal I know (and I know a lot of e'm) doesn't believe that Al-Qeada can be reasoned with (appeased). The Democrats in Congress now do not believe we should sit down with Al-Qaeda and start negotiating (Despite what you hear on Fox New, um, Faux News). Most believe we still do need to defeat and eradicate Al-Qaeda. But most of them also do not believe that the war in Iraq is the way to accomplishing this.
The way to defeat Al-Qeada? I have no definitive answer, but I DO know it will take generations. Al-Qaeda is a band of religious zealots and historically, that sort of zealotry is not easily defeated. The best solution I can offer is “the best offense is a great defense” approach. Use our military to seal the borders. Clamp down on illegal AND legal immigration. Student visa's, tourists and all other legitimate visitors to the USA could be monitored much more closely if we were applying the same resources to the task as we are to the war in Iraq, undoubtedly at a fraction of the cost.
As far as defeating terrorism from Fundamentalist Muslims, my only hope is that the moderate Muslims in the world ultimately prevail, and they finally realize that there is room for tolerance of other religions in the world. The first step, however, is for them to clean up their own house, so to speak, and stop their own factional warring between Sunnis, Shiites, Siekes and whatever other sects there are. Until they can tolerate the differences in thier own midst, they will certainly never accept that the rest of the world has the right to follow whatever God they choose.
Of course, it took Christianity almost 2 millenia to come to this realization, so I'm guessing the Democrats aren't going to fix the “Islam Problem” by the next Presidential election. Unfortunately, that's what all the Sean Hannity's and Rush Limbaughs will be prostelitizing for the next two years. That the Dems wanted this power, now they have it, and they can't fix it. Unfortunately, they were handed a world that was infinitely worse that the one that they handed the Republicans 6 years ago. So now they're in a no-win situation that was created by George W. The Idiot Bush and Company, and unless they can at least show some progress in bringing our troops home, they're going to have a real fight on their hands in 2008.

Oy, what a day.
Started normally enough. Got my daughter off to school on the bus as usual, walked the dog in the woods, then got ready for work. was running late but made it to work only about 5 minutes late.
I'd planned to speak to my assistant (we'll call her Elaine) about her workload, which has increased dramatically of late. I sat her down at 9:15 to talk to her about what I could do to help lighten her load. You see, Elaine is a tireless worker who rarely tells anyone “no.” She is young and enthusiastic, but will take on anything anyone gives her, and to her credit, she handles it all very well. Up to a point.
Then it is disaster. At least emotionally that is. Elaine becomes a bit bi-polar, being on the edge of giddiness or tears at a moment's notice. And this morning, when I sat her down in my office, it was tears. Despite the fact that I was trying to help her- which consisted of a company-wide email that I was planning to send to tell everyone that all work henceforth would be filtered through me- she began to tear up and I could see that I should back off and tread lightly. I tried some inane levity, which helped a bit, and my new marketing manager came into my office to try to offer his help too. In the end, we consoled and cajoled Elaine back to a state where she go back to work.
From there it was a series of meetings and fires that needed to be doused. I received a list of work from a co-worker of things that she was going to be needing from Elaine, that she wanted to be assured that I could deliver as she required. (I have my doubts). I sketched a plan for a multi-media presentation for our showroom to be ready by January, but my multi-media director kyboshed my dream, forcing me to down-size my expectations.
My wife called to complain about how difficult a time she's having dealing with a variety of doctors from whom she's trying to get our son's medical records and x-rays. At one point she was waiting for me to volunteer to help, but in the midst of my day, I was neither inclined or even able to do anything. I could feel her resentment over the phone and when I hung up, while it wasn't ugly, it wasn't all happy-nice either. Great, my expectations for a pleasant evening at home are not enhanced.
I met with an outside vendor, whom I find one of the most detestable humans I've ever met. He's inappropriate, he's a bigot and a misogynist. I couch my feelings of revulsion with sympathy for this asshole, as he is going through an ugly divorce, his father passed away recently and his kids aren't speaking to him. I just wish he wouldn't bemoan his fate at business meetings. I sorry, but I'm just not interested.
At 4;30, I left that meeting and tried to finish up a project that I'd started at 9:30, right after Elaine left my office. at about 6 o'clock, I realized I hadn't called home to say I'd be late. It took another 15 minutes to finish up, and I finally left the office. I called Kate to tell her I was on my way, and she sounded annoyed that I hadn't given her earlier warning of my lateness, so I was not anticipating a relaxing time at home to unwind from this stressful day.
As I pulled out of the lot, I called my dad from the car. He mentioned the terrible rainstorm going on at his house. Since I was only 2 miles away, I was confused by this since there were only a few drips of the wet stuff where I was. He said the TV News was reporting a hellacious weather front– high winds, drenching downpours, all heading our way. I shrugged and drove on, hoping to beat the storm.
Um, no.
3 minutes later the heavens opened up and I spent the rest of the 40 mile drive home straining to see 25 feet ahead of me. While it only took an hour and a half it was a tense drive, with a lot of cars swerving in high winds and dodging puddles. I pulled into my garage and let out a lungful of pent up air.
I walked into my house, where as usual, Izzy, our 70-pound pooch enthusiastically greeted me. I went up the stairs to the kitchen and into the dining room. The house was dark.
At first I fleetingly thought, “Oh great, the power is out. What else…” but then I saw the whole house lit with candles, our dining room table set with a meal awaiting, a full glass of Coppola Rosso set before my plate. My daughter walked over to me and gave me a hug. My wife put her arm around my shoulder and kissed me hello. My son kissed me also and showed me the bowl of his special hibachi rice that he'd made, and we sat down to eat.
I looked at my family in the glow of the candles, took a long swig of the wine, letting it wash over me, and the day was gone.